Paul Ryan-inspired health finance epistles

Now that Mitt Romney has chosen Paul Ryan as his running mate, I can only imagine some of the healthcare finance correspondence of the near future:

 

Date: April 10, 2015
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Your Remittances


Dear Dr. Rothman:

I want to thank you for your diligent follow-up on the status of your Ryan Remittances (formerly known as the Medicare program) for the Johns Hopkins Healthcare System for fiscal year 2013 and the first half of fiscal 2014. Our records indicate you are seeking reimbursement totaling $3.4 billion. We appreciate your numerous visits to our office in Washington, as well as your continued pleas "to help keep our doors open."

As you know, we have been quite diligent in battling the suspected widespread practice of coupon fraud by our eldest and most distinguished citizens. Therefore, we request the following information in order for you to redeem your Ryan remittances 1 through 2,333,981:

1. Name of patient
2. An official copy of their birth certificate
3. Names and addresses of 12 of their closest blood relatives, with dates of birth and copies of their birth certificates
4. Copies of the patient's U.S. passport and those of their 12 closest relatives including all pages and stamps (not mandatory, but failure to include this will likely delay the redemption process)
5. The favorite color of each patient and their 12 closest blood relatives (responses will be closely vetted for accuracy)

Please scan all the information and images into a single PDF file and email it to my attention. Due to budget constraints in our IT department, please make sure the file is no larger than 1 MB in size. Otherwise, your entire claim may be rejected.

Please also mail paper copies of all information in a single box to:

Ryan Remittances
Redemption Department
P.O. Box XY&@(NGD(*!&MDGR*(BXTSTS)[email protected]#(*.,
Bin-198&$&^664
Bethesda, MD 29874

(Please note: if the paper records are not sent to the correct address, your entire claim may be rejected)

Yours,

Karl Mundt III
Regional Adminstrator
Ryan Remittances



Date: June 29, 2015
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Veiled Threats

Dear Dr. Rothman:

I am extremely distressed by the implications of your most recent email. While we understand your institution has not received a payment for caring for any patients over the age of 65 since January 2013, you must understand Ryan Remittances is a new program, and could take a while to work out the kinks.

In the meantime, our agency peremptorily orders you to secure funds to continue paying your utility bills. Without electricity, many of your frailest patients will likely die. As you know, "death panels" were a primary component of Obamacare. When Congress historically repealed that bill on Jan. 20, 2013 (at 12:00:01 p.m. EST), the goal was to ensure no remnants of that disastrous program remain in place.

Again, we ask you to be patient. You will eventually get your Ryan Remittances redeemed, and Johns Hopkins' cash flow, in your words, will be restored to "crisis levels."

Karl Mundt III
Regional Administrator
Ryan Remittances


Date: September 17, 2015
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Congratulations!

Dear Dr. Rothman:

I want to be the first person to notify you that your $3.4 billion in Ryan Remittances have been successfully redeemed! We want to thank you for patience in this process. Payment in the form of 136 million $25 Visa™ gift cards will be arriving within the next 90 to 120 days. Those cards may be used at merchants nationwide to purchase supplies for your facility, and to pay medical and other staff.*

Since you are well aware that we are philosophically opposed to the existence of the U.S. Postal Service, we are deducting the cost of postage from the balances of these cards. Just in case there are any issues you may wish to bring up regarding these redemptions, we also are deducting the cost of return postage as a precautionary measure.

Again, we want to thank you for your patience in this matter, and congratulate you for your contributions toward saving the American people.

(*Funding of these prepaid cards are dependent on passage of a Congressional appropriations bill, expected to occur no later than October 2027).


Yours,

Karl Mundt III
Regional Administrator
Ryan Remittances


Date: September 17, 2015
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Automated Response Re: Congratulations!

To Whom It May Concern:

This is an automated response from the Johns Hopkins email server. The Johns Hopkins Healthcare System ceased 126 years of continuous operation last month.

If you are a former patient of the Johns Hopkins Healthcare System and require immediate medical attention, we suggest you visit the MinuteClinic™ at Baltimore Harbor East. MinuteClinic™ is now the official caregiver for the greater Baltimore and Washington, D.C., areas.

It is strongly suggested you make an appointment to visit the Harbor East MinuteClinic™. The average wait for care is approximately 2.7 million minutes.

Sincerely,

The Johns Hopkins Health Email Server

- Ron (@FierceHealth)

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