Now that hospitals and other providers have become highly invested in nickel-and-diming their patients with fees that have little to do with the care they actually provide (they're also in addition to the facility fees becoming more and more commonplace), here are some suggestions for some new fees:
1. Magazine Fee ($88.14). You are aware of those three-year-old copies of Highlights in the exam room? They don't pay for themselves.
2. Television Fee ($109.22). Ditto for the blaring television.
3. Television Turn-Off Fee ($84.14). Someone on the staff had to turn it off when you complained about that televnovela blasting out your ears. People can be so ungrateful.
4. Ebola Fee ($386.17). We may have to prepare to treat an Ebola patient. There's an epidemic out there!
5. Ice Cream Fee ($212.19). The nursing and support staff felt like ice cream today. You're against ice cream??
6. Late Daycare Fee. ($387.12). Two of our nurses and a PA picked up their kids late from daycare because they were all but out the door when you checked in with that broken femur. It certainly shouldn't be on them.
7. Bat Mitzvah Fee ($1,012.19). The cardiologist's daughter is having her bat mitzvah next month. He hired ELO to play. Someone has to pay for it.
8. CEO Fee ($1,784.97). Our CEO is being paid $1.7 million this year before bonus, retirement, and that luxury car we lease for him. He should go without?
9. Insurance Card Handling Fee ($71.22). Our admitting staff had to handle your insurance card when you checked in. Who knows where that card's been?
10. Identity Theft Fee ($81.00). One of our employees might steal your protected heath information and sell it. Who's going to pay the regulatory fine and monitor your credit? We can't be blindsided here.
11. Unboxing fee ($37.12). That sling we're charging you for if your insurer decides not to pay for it? It came in a box. It had to be unboxed, no matter who's paying for it.
12. Readmission Avoidance Fee ($11,874). Depending on your condition, we may not get paid if you're readmitted within 30 days. This is our insurance in case you do.